


Vicarious Self-Perception

by Twinklylightseverywhere



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alt er Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, Death, Implications of suicide, Implied Anxiety, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Multi, Panic Attacks, brief heterosexual encounter whoops, but i promise i cant leave an ending angsty!, but none of the characters in this story actually die, explicit mentions of mass shootings, implied depression, mentions of vomiting, slight dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 14:05:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12819141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twinklylightseverywhere/pseuds/Twinklylightseverywhere
Summary: Vicarious Self-Perception:A phenomenon of Social Psychology, in which one unknowingly takes on the preferred traits of like-minded people, and does not realise it until they analyse their own behaviour.Or, the one where Isak has a complicated relationship with his sexuality, which manifests in a multitude of different behaviours.





	Vicarious Self-Perception

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I'm trying something a little different with my writing here. I ended up vomiting nearly six thousand words to show for it.  
> Before I start, I would like to let you know that the dubcon that I tagged has to do with the scene in which I depict a part of Sara and Isak's relationship. I tagged it to be safe, because nothing ends up happening, but the general consensus is that Isak is not entirely comfortable with what he is consenting to. Basically, Sara offers to give Isak a blowjob, but in the end, she changes her mind. If you would like to skip that part, I understand.  
> Another thing, I will be describing in detail the Orlando Pulse Nightclub mass shooting. Part of this is my own reaction to it, as a member of the LGBT+ community, and part of this is how I would imagine Isak would react. This topic was not even mentioned in the actual show, but they do show a very quick flash of it at the beginning of season three, which leads me to believe that it did have a big impact on Isak's coming out story. If you find the subject matter upsetting, please take care of yourselves! Alt er love <3  
> With all that being said, enjoy!

Isak would like to think that he knew he was gay the moment he knew the meaning of the word.

 

He remembers being six years old, and sitting with his parents and watching tv with them. It had been about eight pm, on a warm july night. His parents had allowed him to stay up past his bedtime because, well, it was summer after all.

His six year-old mind had decided that staying up late wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, seeing as his parents were watching the news, of all things. This wasn’t even the local news, which normally aired during primetime tv. This was _international news._ Thus, Isak had been entertaining himself, tinkering around with his Lego on the floor, listening half-heartedly to the television in front of him, and trying to suppress his yawns.

_“In happy news, the parliament of Canada has decided to pass the same-sex marriage bill. Many members of the gay community have taken to the streets to celebrate. Here’s just what a few of them have to say.”_

The screen had cut to a street view. In the foreground had been a young man, maybe twenty years-old, a wide smile on his face. In the background, there had been a large group of young adults, waving rainbow flags.

 _“It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world,”_ the young man had said, in dubbed over Norwegian. _“To know that I have the option to marry whoever I want. I will never forget this day.”_

“What’s that?” Isak had said, abandoning his Lego to look up at his parents, who had been both watching the TV with collectively held breaths.

His mom had been the first to snap out of it, reaching forward to run her fingers gently through Isak’s hair, pushing his curls out of his face.

“What’s what, my boy?” she had asked in that warm tone that Isak barely remembers anymore.

“How come that man couldn’t get married before?” Isak had asked. His brain had been appalled at the fact that the man wasn’t able to get married. After all, Isak’s parents had told him that when two people loved each other, they got married. What made this man so different?

Marianne had looked to Terje, who had given her a sort of exasperated look, as if to say, _oh, go on._

“Well,” she had started, hesitant. “Because that man is gay.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s, uh,” Marianne had hesitated again. Isak now knows that his mother hadn’t been extremely comfortable with the idea of homosexuality for a little while. However, back then, this was definitely way above his cognitive functioning.

“It’s when a boy likes boys the same way he’s supposed to like girls,” she had said eventually, blowing out a long breath.

“Oh,” Isak had said nonchalantly. “Like the way that me and Jonas like each other?”

“No, sweetie,” she had chuckled, reaching up to ruffle his hair. “You and Jonas are friends. But one day, you and Jonas are going to get married to nice young ladies and have families of your own.”

“Ew,” Isak had spat out. “I don’t like girls, they’re _weird.”_

Marianne had let out a full laugh at that one. “One day, you won’t.”

“Okay,” Isak had argued. “But then why is that man different?”

“Because he wants to marry a boy instead,” Terje had cut in, most likely deciding to just cut straight to the chase. “That’s what gay means.”

“Okay,” Isak had simply said. He never remembers it ever being a big deal to him until other people had made it a big deal. “Why couldn’t he marry a boy before?”

“It wasn’t allowed,” Marianne had cut back in. “But now it is, in Canada, at least.”

“Go Canada!” Isak had said gleefully to his parents, who gave him half-hearted smiles in response. “Can I marry a boy too? I don’t really like girls, and Jonas is way more fun! He even shares his Lego with me!”

“No, sweetie,” Marianne had sighed. “You can’t do that here in Norway.”

“That’s sucks,” Isak had said, and then subsequently yawned.

He remembers his parents sharing a smile at that, seemingly glad to have an out of the conversation.

“Let’s get you to bed, Issy,” Marianne had cooed, and stood up to begin picking up fragmented Lego pieces. His father had stood up at well, brushing invisible dirt off his jeans.

\---------

Back then, everything had been so simple. Isak likes to think that that was when he was his most genuine self. He’d go to school, learn to read and write, and then play with Jonas. He never had romantic feelings for Jonas, either. At the same time, he knew that he had absolutely no interest in girls. Sure, some were kinda nice, but like, Isak wasn’t friends with any of them.

Everything got a little bit harder when Isak was hit with the overwhelming realisation that he had a massive crush on his best friend.

Now, the crush itself hadn’t manifested out of nowhere. Isak had always looked up to Jonas when they were kids. Throw puberty into the mix, and suddenly, Isak’s fucked. What makes it even more fucked up it that their relationship almost had some sort of unspoken hierarchical component to it. Jonas is more popular and well liked by their peers, and so he was the one who makes sure they get into all the coolest parties. Isak tags along because he has no other friends and because he relies on Jonas in order to not feel lonely.

Now, Isak loves his friend, he really does. But he can’t deny how annoyed he gets when Jonas ditches him at parties for other girls. Isak had never been interested in girls, and subsequently, this had followed him into puberty.

He remembers one specific night. He and Jonas were fifteen, at a party, and high as fuck. Isak normally loves his weed, don’t get him wrong. However, this particular night, the batch must’ve been not as good, because he remembers feeling really down. Like, shit, he knows that weed has depressive qualities, but the high or the hallucinatory effects just weren’t there at all. Instead, Isak had been watching Jonas as he made sex eyes at Eva. Jonas, despite already _having_ a girlfriend, seemed to think that his crush on Eva was very well hidden.

Isak had felt it bubbling in his stomach. He’d never been scared of the monster hiding under his bed. He’d never been afraid of the dark. But oh man, he’s scared of the monster in his stomach. This monster doesn’t eat little children, and it doesn’t have long, spindly tentacles. No. This monster is called jealousy and it’s the very reason that Isak is such a terrible person. He wanted to just grab Jonas’ shoulders and kiss him in front of _everyone_ . He wanted to shout at Eva, who also hadn’t been subtle at all about her feelings, to _find someone else’s relationship to ruin, he’s mine!_

But then the monster called shame had stepped in. Shame had told him that he shouldn’t feel this way. Instead, he should suck it up, find a nice pretty girl, and then all these _fucking_ feelings will go away.

So that’s exactly what he had done. He drank beer after beer, feeling drunk enough to actually dance. Eventually, he had found a conventionally attractive blonde who seemed just as desperate as him, who then proceeded full-on eat his face in the middle of the dance floor. Isak didn’t feel a goddamn thing.

This numbness would be bad for anyone else. But for him, it was a good thing, because Jealousy and Shame were completely silent.

  
\----------

At sixteen, the crush on Jonas had passes. Isak is so relieved. Although he still doesn't have any feelings for girls, he also doesn't have any feelings for any boys. Isak counts that as a win.

To celebrate this, Isak treats himself to a night out away from his mother.

It was a friday, and he and Jonas decide to party that night. Typically, Isak would’ve vetoed the idea in order to make sure that his mother didn’t destroy the house. However, she had actually seemed _calm_ for once when Isak had left for school that morning. So Friday was the, _let’s get shit-faced ‘cause life doesn’t suck as much as it normally does_ , kind of night.

He and Jonas enter the party, buzzed from their pre-game, and for once, Isak is actually been smiling.

Jonas, bless his soul, has been really supportive in light of Isak’s father leaving the family. And so he had not commented on the extra enthusiasm on Isak’s part. Instead, they walk towards the kitchen together, beers in hand, ready to go into the fridge. They greet a few of their acquaintances as they did so. Two of these familiar faces, chatting casually in the kitchen doorway, are Sara and Ingrid. He and Jonas give each other a look, using their best friend telepathy, as if to say, _let’s just get this over with._

Like clockwork, as Isak hypothesizes, it's Sara who stopps them.

He remembers briefly dating Sara a couple years ago, after he had drunkenly kissed her in attempts to show off to Jonas (not that he had even cared). After that, Sara always seemed to have some sort of small thing for Isak.

“Isak!” she says, her hand reaching out to grab him gently by the upper arm.

“Uh, hei!” he greets, not quite as enthusiastic.

Jonas, who had been stood next to him, gives Ingrid a glance and then promptly gets the hell out.

 _Thanks, buddy,_ Isak thinks, desperately watching as his only escape left the kitchen, leaving him to the wrath of Sara.

“How are you?” she asks, seemingly oblivious to the internal conflict that had surely played out very obviously all over his face.

“Oh, uh,” he stutters, cursing himself for doing so. “I’ve been pretty good, you?”

The thing was, Isak had not been so _hunky-fucking-dory,_ but there was no way in hell he’d ever tell that to Sara.

She smiles, and Isak wonders how in the hell she could be so oblivious. “I’ve been really great, thanks for asking.”

Isak gives her a slightly forced smile. For being completely obvlious, he knows that Sara is probably just like any other desperate teenage girl who is looking for validation in teenage boys. Isak honestly couldn’t say that he was any better than her.

Which is why he was actually okay with spending the night with her. After Ingrid had left the two, giggling out a, “Have fun, you two!” as she had gone to join some of her other buss friends, Sara seems to calm down.

No more was the girl who was only trying to impress her friends. Instead, she gives him warm and friendly smiles, letting Isak actually voice his opinion when he wants to, but leading most of the conversation. Isak is grateful for that, seeing as he had always been a shit conversationalist.

And here’s the thing, Sara _is_  pretty. She's sweet, and Isak supposes her body is attractive too. And so, that night, for a split second, Isak actually believes that he could deal with dating a girl. For a split second.

After talking and laughing and sharing drinks for about an hour or so, Sara cuts straight to the chase.

“Hey, Isak?” she asks, nervously facing him on the sofa that they had been sitting on.

“Yeah?”

“Can I show you something in the bathroom?” she doesn’t wait for an answer, standing up and reaching behind her to grab Isak’s hand to tug him along.

“Uh, sure?”

Isak stand’s up with her, catching Jonas’ eyes from across the room. Jonas just raises his cup at him, winking. Isak rolls his eyes, not oblivious to where he and Sara are going. He’s not _that_ stupid.

They go up the stairs together, and Isak can feel her nervous and fast-paced energy. He feels it too, but probably for a completely different reason. He had been perfectly content just talking on the sofa, and maybe kissing her a little. Obviously Sara has different intentions. And it wasn’t as if Isak could say no without people questioning him. Because if he told her no, then he’d have to explain why he didn’t function like a regular teenage boy. He just couldn’t go around and tell people that he was broken, and most likely a _filthy_ sinner in his mother’s eyes. No, that wouldn’t do.

So they walk into the bathroom together.

Isak turns to close the door behind him, and he can feel Sara standing close behind him, her breathing stuttered. He turns around, starting back a little bit when he realises just how close she was standing to him.

“Uh, hei-”

Before he could say anything else, a pair of wet lips are smushed onto his. Well, okay then.

Isak kisses back hastily, in order to avoid suspicion. Their lips are smacking together a little awkwardly, however, Isak supposes it isn’t the worst. He places his hands on her waist in order to occupy his hands. There are no fireworks, but Isak had never experienced fireworks while kissing someone.

A pair of shaky hands pushes at his shoulders, guiding him to rest up against the counter. Isak goes willingly, resting part of his weight against the hard surface. Her tongue slides against his lower lip, and Isak flutters his eyes open in surprise a little bit, pulling his face back slightly.

_Come on, Isak_

Internally shaking his head, he leans back in and opens his mouth to allow her tongue to slide up against his.

Every component of Isak’s molecules is begging him to pull back, as the wet feeling of her tongue against his makes him want to curl into a ball.

He can’t help but let his mind wander as he lazily reciprocates. He suspects that any other guy would be totally into this. After all, Sara is pretty, and obviously very willing. However, the activity in Isak’s pants, or lack thereof, doesn’t seem to get the memo. Although admittedly, Isak doesn’t even have a very good relationship with porn either. Straight porn is boring and the girls are obviously faking and not very into it. Gay porn, well, Isak doesn’t even allow himself to think about it. Once he does, he goes down a dark hole, one that he had a very hard time getting himself out of. He isn’t _gay_. His stupid fucking crush on Jonas was merely infatuation, nothing else. Jonas is a good-looking guy, sure, but that was about it.

So he isn’t sexually interested in girls, so what? They’re nice, and pretty, Isak supposes. One day, he would find a girl who wouldn’t care about that. Maybe, just maybe, Isak would be lying to them. However, he can’t even entertain the repercussions of the alternative. If he gave into his desires, then it would be game over. He could say bye-bye to his friendships, his social life, and his fragile relationship with his mother. It just wouldn’t work.

“Do you want to?” a feminine voice mumbled against his lips.

He pulled back, dazed. Sara smirks, looking pleased with herself. _Don’t ahead of yourself, girl_ , Isak thinks, _you’re not that hot_.

“Uh, what?” Isak asks hoarsely, clearing his throat.

“You know…” Sara looks sheepishly at him, her entire demeanour changing almost instantly.

Don’t get him wrong, Isak is no prude. The whole concept of virginity to him is complete bullshit. He doesn’t care if he or the people he surrounds himself with are virgins or not. It’s just a word, and that word doesn’t carry a negative connotation to him. However, this is the farthest he’s ever been comfortable with in going with a girl. He doesn’t really want to go even further. Even though any other guy would be bouncing off the walls at the prospect of getting frisky with a girl like Sarah, Isak couldn’t help but feel uneasy. He can almost hear Elias’ voice in his mind right now. _Stop being so gay,_ he would say, passing the joint to Jonas. Jonas would give Isak a look and a shrug, as if to say, _he’s just kidding, don’t get your panties in a twist_.

They’re right, Isak needs to man up.

“Um, okay,” he murmurs, taking his hands from her waist to clutch the counter behind him.

“Yeah?” she whispers.

“Yeah.”

And then suddenly, Isak freezes. Shit, he’s not even remotely hard. Like, seriously, he’s like, the opposite of hard. Like, the idea of her wet tongue that was just against his actually makes his dick curl _inwards._

She leans in to kiss him again, and Isak braces himself.

He decides to use his teenage hormones to his advantage, and he lets his mind drift again. Okay, it’s operation get hard time.

He allows himself to think to the things that get him off the fastest. The late nights that no one knows about. He allows his minds to drift to masculine bodies, hard chests, clenched abs. No faces, though, because then he’d be at the point of no return.

If he closes his eyes hard enough, he can almost trick himself into ignoring the feeling of the very feminine body pressed up against his. Instead, he grabs onto her shoulders, pretending that they’re a little bit broader and that her scent is a little less sweet.

He allows Sara to take charge. Taking charge with girls is something that he hates. He’d rather just melt against the body that is being pressed against his own. He allows himself to have this, otherwise, Sara will notice really soon just how not into this he is.

Finally, he feels a slight stirring in his lower half, and it seems that Sara feels this too.

She smiles against his lips, her hand trailing down to massage him through his pants, and Isak takes a deep breath through his nose. Okay, time to take this into overdrive.

He allows himself to think back to a couple nights ago. It was about two in the morning, and Isak couldn’t sleep. He had opened an incognito tab on his phone, and had skipped the straight porn entirely. Instead, he allowed himself to focus on a particularly enticing home video of a very cute, and touchy-feely gay couple. As the bottom moaned on screen, Isak had allowed himself to think about what it would be like to be in the bottoms’ position, no pun intended.

Isak actually moans at this, and he smiles to himself.

Motherfucking bingo.

Sara seems to be given much more confidence with this, as he feels her hands pulling him forward with her. Isak allows himself to be lead by her, a little lost in his own, very gay, fantasies.

And suddenly, any shred of erection that Isak has is gone in an instant as he finds himself being pushed down onto the closed toilet seat. He sits clumsily, his breath hitching as she begins to fumble with the button on his jeans, settling on her knees in front of him.

“Uh-”

They’re interrupted by a loud bang, and a rush of cool air, as the door opens. A very intoxicated Jonas is the culprit, and he’s laughing loudly. However, the minute that his slightly glazed over eyes train onto Isak, pants unbuttoned slightly, he falters, and then grins.

“Sorry, man!” he says deviously, winking at Isak ,as if to say, _good one!_

With that Jonas closes the door a little too hard, and Isak and Sara are plunged into silence once more.

Isak is actually grateful for Jonas’ little interruption, as it gives him a little time to breathe. Also, because a hammered Jonas is absolutely hilarious.

Isak trains his eyes back down to Sara, chuckling a little. When he notices the look on her face, though, he falters.

“Are you okay?” he asks, because yeah, he’s not that interested in her, but he’s not a complete dick.

She lets out a shuddery breath. “Is it okay if we stop for tonight?” she asks, taking her hands off Isak’s thighs in order to nervously play with her own fingers.

Isak lets of a sigh of relief. He’d been so caught up in his own struggles, that he hadn’t even noticed that Sara may not even be ready herself.

“Of course,” he says warmly, almost overjoyed at the fact that they’re stopping here.

“You’re not mad?” she asks, meeting his eyes nervously.

“Not at all,” Isak reassures, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to comfort her. “If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready, end of story.”

“Thanks,” she whispers sheepishly.

“No need to thank me,” Isak says, standing up, as the toilet seat isn’t exactly comfortable. He helps Sara up as well, grabbing her hands to pull her up.

She smiles shyly at him, turning to the side to look into the mirror and fixing her appearance slightly. Isak turns to look into the mirror as well, and although his appearance isn’t too disheveled, he can’t help but adjust his hair a little bit. He feels slightly disconnected from himself. As if the person who is looking at him in the mirror isn’t supposed the be the same body that his consciousness inhabits. The guy that is staring at him in the mirror shouldn’t be feeling these things. The only things that he should be dealing with is being attracted to girls like Sara. This shouldn’t be a problem for him. Guys like him aren’t fucking _gay_.

\----------

Not too long afterwards, just before Isak’s seventeenth birthday, his entire world gets thrown off its axis.

After the short-lived relationship (if you could even call it a relationship) with Sara, Isak decides that he should stay single for a little bit. He’d forgotten just how exhausting pretending to like someone was. First, he was pretending to like Eva, which just made their entire friendship really fucking awkward. Then, he’d have to pretend to be into all the girls that he had hooked up with. And then after Sara, he was too tired to keep up the facade. Instead, he decides to go under the radar for awhile, especially since he’s living in Eskild’s basement now. The last thing he needed was to have another gay crisis under the scrutiny of someone who probably already suspected that Isak was gay. Considering they’d met at a gay bar when Isak was drunk out of his mind, that is.

Nah, he’d just chill with his new roommate, hang out with friends, and lay low for the remainder of the school year.

Eskild unintentionally ruins his entire plan on the afternoon of June 12th, 2016.

Isak had spent the day lounging about in his little room in the basement, aimlessly watching movies on his laptop, when Eskild bursts through his door.

Isak sits up, so startled by the sudden loud noise that his laptop slides off his stomach where it was resting.

“Uh-”

He stops speaking immediately when he sees the tears streaming down Eskild’s face. Isak’s stomach drops.

“There was a shooting,” Eskild says shakily, wiping his nose messily. “In Florida. At a gay club.”

“What?” Isak says, sitting up immediately, straining his ears to hear his roommate, because surely, he didn’t hear him right.

“Someone entered a gay club and shot and killed a bunch of people,” Eskild spits out, his breath catching on the sobs that are coming from his chest. “They’re calling it the deadliest mass shooting in US history.”

Isak stares at his roommate, uncomprehending.

“No,” Isak argues, shaking his head vehemently. “That can’t be possible.”

Eskild just hands Isak his phone, collapsing on the bed as he does so and burying his face into Isak’s sweatpants.

Isak reads the article displayed on Eskild’s phone, which is actually translated into Norwegian.

The words that stick out most to him is the total body count, which at this point is about 50 people, _dead_.

Isak drops Eskild’s phone onto the bed, staring at the wall in front of him. He places his hand on Eskild’s back, rubbing soothing circles in attempts to calm down his sobbing. Isak thinks that his heart has just broken into a million pieces.

“I can’t believe it.” he whispers.

He doesn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. Instead, he allows a very distraught Eskild to sleep on his bed. He sits in the same place, staring at the wall for the rest of the night.

 

 

He still can’t believe it the next day, sitting in the cafeteria with Jonas. He’s spent the whole morning on autopilot. His limbs and extremities are doing the motions for Isak, but his mind is somewhere far away. He feels like a zombie.

“Did you hear about Orlando?” Jonas says quietly next to him, breaking Isak out of his long staring competition with the wall in front of him. It’s like a switch goes off in his brain. To his horror and completely beyond his control, his eyes begin to water. Isak looks down immediately, closing his eyes in attempts to stop it.

“Yeah,” he chokes out, his voice alarmingly watery.

He can feel Jonas shift his gaze entirely onto Isak.

“You okay, man?” he asks, and bless him, because he actually sounds genuinely concerned. Like Jonas has any idea what Isak was thinking right now.

Isak nods, not trusting himself to speak. He stands up, muttering a gruff “bathroom”, before rushing out of the cafeteria, leaving his backpack and phone behind.

Isak rushes down the halls, yanking his hood over his head as he feels tears begin to stream down his face. He feels like he’s gonna be sick.

“Oh god,” he murmurs, placing his hand over his mouth.

Isak bursts through the boys washroom, which is thankfully empty, opens a stall door, and promptly throws up into the toilet.

Nothing much comes up, because Isak hasn’t eaten since breakfast yesterday, but his body is still rejecting whatever food is left in it.

At this point though, he doesn’t even care, because he’s absolutely terrified.

If he thought that he couldn’t be gay before this, well he definitely can’t be gay now. Not only is he worried about being a complete stereotype, but now some _sick_ fucker can just waltz in and kill him. Someone could just get a gun and kill a fuckton of people who have done absolutely nothing wrong but because they had the audacity to be themselves-

Isak throws up again, his body heaving and gasping for air. The tears that are streaming down his face aren’t even registering in his mind right now.

“Isak?” says a familiar voice behind him, as the stall door creaks open behind him. And honestly, fuck Jonas for being such a caring friend.

“I’m not feeling too great,” Isak whispers hoarsely, finally able to lean back a little bit, as his body has finally stopped dry heaving.

“Okay, buddy,” Jonas says gently, reaching over Isak to flush the toilet. Isak takes the moment to wipe at his face, hopefully inconspicuously. He still suspects that Jonas can tell that he’s crying, especially since he rests his hand against Isak’s back, rubbing gently between his shoulder blades.

Isak sniffles, leaning into the touch.

“I think I’m gonna go home,” he murmurs quietly, his breath catching as he feels another sob welling up in his chest. _Stop it_ , he tells it. Boys don’t cry.

“Are you okay to get there on your own?” Jonas says, oh so gently, as if he’s afraid that Isak will break. Isak thinks that he’s already broken.

Isak nods slightly. “Just give me a minute.”

Jonas agrees with a small hum, letting Isak rest his back against the side of the stall.

Isak closes his eyes, letting his vision go to complete blackness.

Is this what dying feels like? Completely dark and numb and like oxygen is running out-

“Breathe, Isak,” Jonas says calmly, squeezing his shoulder ever so gently to bring him back to reality. Isak holds onto his arm like a tether, because he doesn’t want to die. He wants to fucking live but he fucking can’t, because he’s  _fucking gay._

 

In the end, Isak tires himself out too much in order to stop crying, and so he lets Jonas pull him to his feet, and out of the boys bathroom. He lets Jonas basically manhandle him through the school, because he honestly doesn’t completely trust his legs to carry him anywhere right now.

He’s practically falling asleep on his feet, because admittedly, he hadn’t even slept last night. Jonas makes the decision for him to not let him board the tram, but instead he takes him to the nurses office, slinging his and Isak's backpacks over his shoulder.

They give him a bed to sleep in, and although it’s a little lumpy, Isak will take it. He lets his body fall onto the mattress, on top of the blanket. After mumbling out his reassurances to Jonas, that, yes, he’s going to be okay and that it’s just the flu, his friend finally leaves him alone. Isak allows himself to melt into the soft surface below him. Later, he’ll text Eskild and have him come pick him up and help him home. But right now, Isak doesn’t think he could get out of bed even if he wanted to.

\----------

_One year later_

 

Even is such a breath of fresh air. And this isn’t just because Isak is finally allowed to be himself around him. The fact of the matter is that, Even is so unapologetically himself. Not just in his sexuality, which he wears proudly on his sleeve, but in every aspect of his life. Even is so passionate about everything that he does. He pours so much love and care into his film projects and his friendships that everyone can’t help but love him. It’s something that Isak admires about him so much. It inspires Isak everyday, to be himself and to love others around him. Out of all of Even’s amazing qualities, Isak has to say that that one is his absolute favourite. Even makes him want to be a better person.

They’re watching TV, the windows of their small, shared apartment are wide open in the June heat of Norway. It’s around 18:00, and both boys have finished their respective work for the night. Sure, exams are kicking their asses right now, but it’s nothing they can’t handle. Not when he’s enveloped in Even’s arms, breathing in his warm and slightly musky scent that is just so _Even._

They’ve taken to watching the news in the evenings. Isak rolls his eyes every single time Even takes the remote from his hands to change the channel, but secretly, he doesn’t really mind.

“We need to stay informed, baby,” Even will always say, kissing Isak’s forehead, which will be scrunched up in confusion.

It’s such an adult thing to do, but Isak kind of loves it. If you told him a year ago, that he and his boyfriend, who _live_ together, sit down and watch the news every single night, he wouldn’t believe it.

But here they are.

“ _Today marks the one year anniversary of the Orlando Pulse Nightclub shooting_ ,” the reporter says on the tv, and Isak’s stomach drops. “ _Members of the community gathered in front of the club today to pay their respects to the victims and their families. Our thoughts and condolences go out to all those affected by this tragedy_ -”

Isak stops listening after that. He pulls out of Even’s arms slightly, looking down at his lap and playing with his fingers.

“Baby?” Even says behind him, his fingers reaching out to run through Isak’s hair. Normally, Isak would preen under the attention, but today, he doesn’t relax as much as he normally would.

“Sorry,” Isak says, turning back to look at his boyfriend. “I’m just remembering how I felt when that happened.”

“Orlando?” Even guesses, and Isak nods.

“I was devastated,” Isak murmurs, finally deciding to relax against Even’s chest. He figures that he needs the comfort. “I felt like I couldn’t come out, because something like this could happen to me too.”

Even lets out a noise of discontent. “What changed?” he murmurs, dropping a soft kiss on the crown of Isak’s head.

“I met you.”

This time it’s Even who pulls back, forcing Isak to sit up fully and look Even in the eyes again.

“Don’t joke about that,” Even says, his voice hoarse.

“I’m not,” Isak insists, rubbing his hand comfortingly on Even’s upper arm. “And I’m not saying it to boost your ego or anything. One of the things that I love about you is how unique you are, Even. You inspire me everyday.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Isak says, running a hand through Even’s hair to push it out of his eyes. “The way that you are just so unapologetic about who you are, makes me want to do the same. I feel like I would’ve come out eventually, on my own terms, but just by _being_ with you, I finally got a taste of how things were supposed to be. I’m not ashamed about my sexuality anymore, and I have you to thank for that.”

“ _Jeg elsker deg_.” Even breathes, his blue eyes wide and watery, as he pulls Isak into an embrace again.

“ _Jeg elsker deg også_.” Isak says, and he leans in to kiss his boyfriend.

 

The thing is, Isak has always known that he was gay. He’s always known that he’s only ever been romantically and sexually interested in men. When he was six years old, he learned that that may not be such a good thing. When he was sixteen, he believed that it couldn’t possibly be a good thing. But here’s the thing. In nature, nothing is good or bad. In nature, across many species, animals can be attracted to the opposite sex, or to the same sex, or maybe both. Isak likes this idea, because, after all, he studies biology extensively. From a biological standpoint, he knows that homosexuality is not a problem. From a social standpoint, Isak knows that it is not that black and white. What he does know for sure, however, is that he would rather die than not be honest to himself. Eskild said it to him once, and he thinks he understands it completely now. The world isn’t perfect, nor is love. But the love that he feels for the people around him is something that he wouldn’t trade for the world.

Isak would rather die than pretend to be someone he’s not. And when he thinks back to all the people who have unwillingly lost their lives because they dared to be themselves, he feels sad, but he also feels so incredibly empowered. These people are so fucking brave, and Isak loves that. So, he decides, he’s going to live for those who have died believing in their cause. He’s going to live for the people who fight everyday. He’s going to live for Eskild. He’s going to live for Even. Most importantly, he’s going to live for himself.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this isn't my usual fluffy writing, but I hope you enjoyed! I'm not entirely sure how well this flows because I've been working so damn hard haha. I would really appreciate any feedback, if you have any. As always, kudos make my day!  
> If you would like to talk, my tumblr is unendeligtid, so feel free to come visit!  
> In terms of the parallel UNiverse series, I do have some ideas, but if y'all have any prompts or things that you would like to see, I'm totally down! All I ask is some patience as I navigate myself through finals!  
> Thank you for reading!


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